Q - What's this all about?
A - In another time we probably would have sold snake oil.

Q - I developed a rash while soaking in SUDftw. Can you suggest an over-the-counter remedy?
A - Have you tried Palmolive?

Q - Help I've been transformed into Elvis and I can't change back!
A - Don't worry, the new Elvis transformer (ver 1.01b) includes this new Undo feature.

Q - Do you giveaway any stickers?
A - Thanks for inquiring about the SUDftw “Sticker Give-a-Way Extravaganza”. Unfortunately, due to a pending lawsuit over a wrongful death alledgedly linked to the phosphate level in the sticker glue used in our SUDftw “Sticker Give-a-Way Extravaganza” stickers, we have been forced to discontinue the free give away program. Thanks for your interest.

Q - ur website doesnt work and i need to get there for a project and it sux
A -First, let me commend you on your mastery of the English language. I rarely see communicative skills of your level, and your shining example of what the progeny of our public schools is capable has restored my faith in the educational system. Bravo!

As to your dilemma: You will soon find out that life "sux", and then you die. However, we here at Surprisingly Useful Devices for the web strive to make the droning drudgery, which is your life, a bit more enjoyable. To that end, if you could be more specific regarding which of our pages "sux", I may be able to help you. I look forward to future correspondence with you.
- SUDftw Human Resources Dept. -

Q - The grasscam seems to be all white with the time at the bottom, & I was wondering if it's working. Hope all is well?
A - Our 3rd shift crew chief noticed the problem and dispatched a repair team at 0500 hours. The team discovered that a subprocessor in the horizontal sync matrix became vertically polarized. Repairs were completed by 0700. Should be ok now.

Q - All this stuff's pretty useful, but I really need something that will do my homework for me?
A - Look for the new HomeWork-O-Matic 2012 some time next year.

Q - How come the Peeling Paint WebCam is so useless?
A - It's not useless if your hobby is studying the dynamics of peeling paint.

Q - Why does everything I make with the I-CookBook taste like dirt?
A - Try changing the items you use in your recipes to food, or food-like items. It also helps not to use dirt as an ingredient.

Q - The paint doesn't chip at all damnit!
A - Due to a glitch in the sub-matrix rasterizer, the peeling paint cam was not properly updating. If you check the upper left corner, you should now be able to see where the paint is starting to peel.

Q - Can I sign it again please? Ooooh come on! Just ONE more time!!! I'll pay you! please, just let me sign that irresistible guestbook one more time?
A - We get this one a lot! Look for the NEW "when I snap my fingers..." Undo feature real soon.

Q - I believe that your site provides definitive proof that time is slowing down. In September, 1998, I saved a picture of the peeling paint on my computer's desktop. Periodically, I revisit the site to check on progress. I just saved the latest image, too. When I use LView Pro in slideshow mode to view the two pictures, I see no difference between them. However, when I view the 9/1998 picture and one from 3/1998, changes are clearly discernable.

This would seem to indicate that it could be quite some time before detectable changes can be seen. The consequences of this would be enormous. For instance, a 56K connection speed may now be worth only 28K. As well, it may explain why I always have to allow more time for my brownies to bake in the oven than the recipe calls for (some have suggested that the altitude here has something to do with it, but I've never personally noticed any deterioration in my thinking abilities from a low partial-pressure of oxygen).

I am preparing a more elaborate description of this phenomenon for any scientific journals that might be interested. I would, of course, have to mention alternative/competing theories and will be very interested in your comments.

A - We experienced a time phase lag in the B-0A2 Peeling Paint Web Cam supercoprocessing matrix on February 14, 1998, which caused the feed to the net to drop to 28 baud. Repairs were effected on February 17, 1998, bringing our feed back up to 100MBPS.

However, as you are no doubt aware, because we sample the image at 3.4091 times the Nyquist rate, the phase lag will take time to correct itself. During this correction period, the rate of change in the images displayed would be perceived as "time slowing down", as you mentioned.

Our computer model predicts the phase lag will correct itself by November 12, 2000. On that date, you may notice a red-blue shift, as time "catches up". However, this could cause damage to older interlaced monitors, so if you have an older model monitor, avoid the site on November 12, 2000. Until then, it is perfectly safe to view.

Q - Hello I am writing to you about your auto surfer I tried to use it and it said that my browser wasnt 4.0 version or higher well I checked what version I have of Internet Explorer and it was higher I think it was version 5.0 not sure but it was higher then 4.0 Is there some other reason that my browser wont let me use this great link that your site has utilised Cause I would really like to use it - LuV

A - Dear Ms. LuV,
Our Software Development Group has tested the AutoSurfer(tm) engine on various platforms, and depending on the intrinsic code frequency latency of your connection, correctly recognizing the browser version level can be an issue. SUDftw believes this to be a malicious act on Microsoft's part to cripple our software, and as such, SUDftw has taken legal recourse pursuant to "J5.6-k8-l.0 Microsoft -v- SUDftw, et al".

As you may be aware, the US Government wants to split up Microsoft because it has monopolized the software industry and bullies its competitors into kowtowing to them. I'm afraid you are a victim of Microsoft's business practices. Thankfully, Janet Reno has come to the rescue and has assured our Software Development Group that once Microsoft is split into two companies, this problem will vanish!

As noted above, SUDftw is a plaintiff in the suit against Microsoft, so we are not at liberty to divulge why Bill Gates has disabled your browser software from correctly displaying our page. In the meantime, if you can access the Internet from a T3 connection, then the intrinsic code frequency latency will not be an issue. We hope you continue to visit the page, once this is behind us all.

Q - To: The Peeling Paint Cam Support Dept.:
I'm grateful for your work on this vital project. I've been watching the Peeling Paint Web Cam for three years. I've saved images from it going back to 9/26/98. (I am quite dedicated to observing this phenomenon.) I am anxiously awaiting some detectable change in the picture, for some paint to actually peel. Certainly, all that I have to do is to watch the page long enough and I will actually be able to witness The Event - hopefully before I die of old age. I'm only 47 now, so I should have enough years left to be around when it happens.

Unfortunately, I'm unable to visit your site everyday. I'm a self-employed IT consultant, which means that every once in a while I have to actually get dressed and go outside to meet clients. This also means that I must sometimes (once every few months) go to wash my jeans at the laundry. I'm afraid that I'll miss the paint peeling when I do!

I'm wondering if you could run an image processing program that will compare a previous image to the current one and, if it detects any change, will send out an email alert notifying recipients that they need to go to your web site immediately. Coding it in PHP shouldn't be too difficult, and if you don't have a job (I can't imagine that you have a job and maintain this web site, too) the time would be well spent. Please don't let us miss The Event! I could set up my Palm to beep when it receives a message from you - heck, I'll even buy another Palm that I'll dedicate to the task. Thanks again for maintaining this important webcam. - D. Dickinson

A - Dear Mr. Dickinson,
On February 22, 2001, local authorities apprehended a vandal who had been meticulously maintaining the state of decay of the paint on the wall from which we project the image known as "The Peeling Paint WebCam" TM. Our Image Processing group has estimated that the vandal had been at work since June 15, 1998.

Sudftw Legal is prosecuting the vandal to the full extent of the law and SUDftw Land Management has since posted an armed guard to prevent such further abuse.

I've forwarded your suggestion for the automated email notification feature to our Research and Development group for incorporation into "The Peeling Paint WebCam" TM. Look for the new feature to be added in the third quarter of 2001. Thank you for watching.

Q - To: The Human Resources Dept.: Discreetly is mispelled on your website. - pltadmin@onramp.ca

A - Dear Onramp,

Thank you for your observation regarding the spelling on one of our pages.  Since you did not specify to which cam page you were referring, allow me to use the "Amazing GrassCAM!" as an example, to explain why we used "discretely" instead of "discreetly". 


We digitally sample the continuous visible spectrum reflecting off of the lawn owned by one of our founders at a frequency of 1/180 Hz.  Thus, the image displayed is a discrete function, capturing an instance every 180 seconds and relaying it through the Internet onto the page you viewed.  One of our writers thought it would be amusing to use this play on words, but it appears the humor was misplaced. 


I would like to thank you for pointing this out to us, as this writer was already on probation for misusing the word "felt" on one of our recently discontinued pages.  Thanks to you, I may now begin the process of firing this writer, something I've been looking forward to since she refused to go out to dinner with me several months ago.  Rest assured, the writer will be terminated for this infraction, and the page will be updated with the corrected spelling.


Thanks for watching!


p.s. - You misspelled "mispelled".

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